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Fight the Demons. Avoid Avoidance
Dealing with negative thoughts in a productive way.
There was a time when the loudest battles I fought were the ones no one else could see. I could be smiling, laughing, taking the [insert appropriate word], working, helping people, or simply getting through the day like everyone else. But inside was different. Inside my thoughts, feelings, and fears were eating away at me, tearing chunks until I felt like there was nothing left of me. If you’ve ever laid awake at night replaying every mistake you’ve made, wondering if you deserve the good things, and praying for strength to simply get by—you’re not alone. I lived there for a long time, and I won’t lie and say that I never go back there, because I do, and I’m still relatively new to dealing with negative thoughts in a positive way, but those horrible times are few and far between now, and they have been ever since I learned how to defeat the demons in my head in a productive way.
I spent most of my life avoiding anything that scared me, worried me, or upset me. I put demons in a box and thought I could go on like that. I couldn’t. It doesn’t work. I pretended they didn’t exist and told myself to stop thinking of anything that hurt me. The demons…I shut them away, they go away, right? WRONG! They just lingered and came back to bite me in the behind when I was least expecting it. But what’s worse….they multiplied. So, what was once hard to deal with became impossible to live with!
What changed with me and why?
During therapy the one word that came up A LOT was avoidance. And it really annoyed me because I was being told not to do the only thing I knew how to do, and then the person explained something which taught me how and why I should be dealing with negative thoughts:
“Avoiding the negative thoughts, feelings, and hurt is like being in the middle of the ocean with a big beach ball full of air. Avoidance is basically pushing that ball underneath the water and stopping it from reaching the surface. Now imagine how difficult that becomes when the ocean is no longer still. It gets harder, but OK, it’s still possible. The ball stays down. Now consider that you take your focus off that ball for one split second because you feel OK or you get distracted. POP! That ball is back up to the surface and you are back to square one trying to get the damn thing under the water again.”
This is what happens when you put things in a box or you avoid them. OK for a while but you can’t do it forever.
I used to think positivity was about pushing away the negative. But it’s not. True positivity, the kind that helps you grow, that nurtures you, and that helps you get through, isn’t about pretending everything is OK. It’s about saying ‘Yes, these thoughts are here. Yes, they hurt. But I am not giving them control.’
It can be hard. It can be uncomfortable. But in the long term, it’s an incredible feeling.
Dealing with negative thoughts: Step by Step
How do I deal with the negative thoughts?
The simple answer is that I stopped running. Stopped hiding. And stopped pretending. And ever since I began living my life this way, everything became clearer, the noise was quieter, and my focus was stronger than ever before. And an added bonus…..I get asked ALL THE TIME…how do you stay positive and how do you have so much determination despite everything? Please don’t get me wrong, I still get annoyed at things and lose patience like everyone else! But not where it matters in my life. I tend to have a generic hissy fit and have a rebound rate of about 1.5 seconds then POOF I’m back to being unhinged and happy again!
We all have dark thoughts and demons: Not one person can say they’ve never experienced this, and if they do say it, don’t believe them. There’s nothing wrong with having these thoughts, but just because you have them, it doesn’t mean you have to let them live in your head rent-free. Accept that they are there. Because ignoring them will not make them disappear.
Acknowledgement: When they come to mind, make sure that you are aware, and that those thoughts know that you know of their presence. (Wordy sentence I know!) Think to yourself, oh look, it’s that bloody demon making an appearance again, I hear you, but I’m not making time for you. And simply allow it to pass.
What avoiding actually does: When these demons come, and you put all your energy into fighting them, you are then putting yourself into a mindset of constantly thinking about them, always in fight mode, and those thoughts won’t change the demon. Ever. The demons are the demons; you have to accept that.
Dig a little deeper: This is going to sound counterintuitive to what I’ve just said, but sometimes it’s good to know why the demons are there. Of course, this means you need to think about them, but don’t do this when they’re in your head without your permission, do it when you are in a good place, when you decide, with the right mindset, to walk through the whys behind them. Sometimes the answer is complex, other times it’s straightforward. But if you’re anything like me, knowing the why will help massively.
Think about your options: If you sit and question what you are feeling, the person involved, or the incident that happened…what’s the end result? Will it change what happened? Who will be affected? Will this give any closure?
None of the above will change. Why? Because that demon that has been allowed to consume you is merely a thought. A flicker. An absolute nothing that can only take over your life and destroy you IF YOU ALLOW IT.
I was always stuck with one demon in particular, and I couldn’t let it go because I thought going over and over it would make it disappear. And then I was asked the question: What are you hoping to achieve by thinking about this so much? And I couldn’t answer. At the same time, I was adamant that I wasn’t letting this demon take over my life and I thought I was right because I was fighting it daily and winning for the most part. But I wasn’t. I was just in a constant battle which drained me to exhaustion. Until I did exactly what I have written here.
Has this demon gone, Gemma?
Yes and no. It’s still there but it doesn’t bother me anymore. I’ve practised the acknowledgement so much that it now comes naturally. This demon rears its head at times of weakness, but not once does it ever consume me. Ever. It’s not able to because I focus on the good things and that’s where my energy lies.
Simplified steps
Name the thought: What is this thought exactly and how does it make you feel? Is it fear, shame, anxiety?
Breathe before doing anything: Deep breath in and remember that your feet are firmly on the ground and in the present.
Ask yourself: Is this fact or feeling? This question alone is powerful as a lot of the time, these demons are actually feelings based on potential or based on something you’ve already felt and dealt with. You don’t need to deal with past incidents again and you don’t need to worry over something you have no control over…especially if it’s something you’re catastrophising about.
Is this a feeling of self-doubt? This is completely normal, but do you want to allow that thought to prevent you from winning? And is this thought the truth? Probably not! Stop planning for what might fail and start planning for how to win.
Wait for negative thoughts to pass without making them bigger than they already are; don’t delve into them, don’t fight them, just let them pass. Not with ignorance, but with an ‘oh here it is again’ mentality. And they will pass, I assure you.
Now it’s gone, you can get on with what you want to do because you’ve acknowledged your demon in a healthy way and know how to handle it next time. You’ve realised that the agonising demon was and always will be a thought which you are in complete control of.
The best part of all of this, dealing with negative thoughts by choice, is that you can copy and paste it with most scenarios, and the more you practise it, the easier and more natural it becomes.
I still face challenges. I still have dark moments. I still have days when my mind tries to drag me backwards. But I refuse to let those demons drive anymore. I choose to see the good. I choose to fight. I choose to build a life that isn’t controlled by the noise in my head.
And you can too.
Not by avoiding the darkness, but by acknowledging it and then choosing the light anyway.
It won’t be easy. It won’t be instant. But it will be worth it.
Because you deserve peace. You deserve clarity. And you deserve to live a life that belongs to you, not to the thoughts trying to tear you down. They are just thoughts. Don’t allow them to be anything more than that.
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